I know, the phrase sounds like sci-fi. But I care about eyes, skin, and peace of mind. I hang around a maker space with lasers. I live a few blocks from a cell tower. And I like to test gear. You know what? Some of it works. Some of it is pure fluff.
Let me explain what I used, what helped, and what didn’t.
Note: I’m not military. Real high-power systems are no joke. If you want a deeper dive into how true military-grade directed-energy weapons actually function, check out the clear, specs-heavy overview on Air-Attack. No phone case or paint is a magic shield. Distance and cover still matter most. I also put together a step-by-step field test report that you can read here.
Laser eyes aren’t a “maybe”
I’ve seen a green beam snap across a room. It looks cool—until you think about your eyes. So I tested a few pairs.
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NoIR LaserShields (KTP/YAG models): I used these during a metal mark demo with a fiber laser and at our shop when a friend ran a bright green pointer for alignment. They cut the glare fast. Colors shift (greens go muddy), but I could still read the work piece. Fit over my glasses was okay, though a little tight on the temples. No fogging unless I wore a mask.
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Thorlabs laser safety goggles (the ones rated for green and near-IR): I borrowed a pair during a training. Wider view, softer nose bridge, and a snug strap. Heavier than the NoIR pair. They felt more “lab” and less “shop,” if that makes sense.
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CO2 laser work: Our maker space has a CO2 laser cutter. The lid has an orange window that blocks that beam. I still wore IR-rated goggles when we tested with the lid open for maintenance. The goggles were hot under the strap, but I liked having that extra layer.
What I learned: goggles must match the beam. It’s like using the right key. “Any laser glasses” is not a thing. If the label doesn’t list the color band it blocks, I skip it. Cheap “laser glasses” from random sellers? I tried one pair as a gag. They didn’t cut the beam at all. Straight to the junk drawer.
Heat, microwaves, and the “buzz” zone
This part gets messy. Folks toss around “EMF” like it’s one blob. It’s not. But I still tried real stuff so I could see if anything changed in my space.
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Mission Darkness Faraday bag: I’ve used this for years for my phone and key fob. It blocks calls, texts, Bluetooth, AirTag pings—the whole circus. I tested it in a busy airport hotel. Phone went quiet as soon as it went in. Handy for travel and sleep. The velcro is loud, but the liner hasn’t peeled.
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YSHIELD HSF54 paint: I painted one office wall that faces a cell tower. Two coats, grounded with their tape. The room felt calmer, but I don’t trust feelings, so I checked with my Trifield TF2 meter. The readings dropped a lot on that wall side. My Wi-Fi also got weaker in that direction, which makes sense. It’s messy paint and needs a top coat. Smells like wet pencil lead. Pricey too.
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Swiss Shield Naturell fabric: I made a simple curtain on a tension rod behind my desk. It knocked a bit more off the meter numbers, and it looks normal. It wrinkles, and cat hair clings to it like a bad joke. But it helped.
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Silent Pocket key pouch: I toss my fob in this when I park on city streets. It blocks the relay trick thieves use. Also stops my phone from chirping on hikes. It’s small and tough. The snap is stiff.
Real talk: I can’t test true “directed energy weapons.” I don’t have one (good). What I can test is blocking and reducing everyday radio noise. Some gear does that well. If you’re curious how small unmanned systems handle sketchy RF conditions—especially when fast-moving jets get involved—take a look at this side-by-side field story on drones and fighters here.
The “pain beam” thing you’ve heard about
People ask me about the crowd control heat beam. I’ve never been hit by one. I never want to be. I did try an aluminized fire hood and jacket at a safety demo, the shiny kind that reflects heat. It kept my face cool near a big burner, which was wild. But it was heavy, sweaty, and not for daily life.
Could that stop a real system? I wouldn’t count on it. Those setups are high power and tuned. If you ever worry about heat or beams, the boring advice wins: get out of line of sight, add walls, add distance. That part isn’t gear. It’s common sense.
Little helpers I reach for
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Trifield TF2 meter: It’s not lab grade, but it’s easy. I use it like a flashlight for “hot spots.” Numbers bounce, so I take averages and don’t obsess.
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Quality laser signs and covers: We added bright “Laser in Use” signs at the shop and kept the lid closed more. Fewer surprises. Fewer heart jumps.
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Thick curtains and foil-backed foam: Not fancy, but my basement office got quieter (radio-wise and sound-wise) with dense curtains and a foam panel behind my router.
Stuff that wasted my time
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“Anti-5G” stickers: I tried two brands. Meter readings didn’t change at all. My phone still hugged every tower like it was a long-lost friend.
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Off-brand “laser glasses” with no specs: I shined a low-power green pointer at the wall and looked at the dot through the lens. The brightness barely changed. That told me enough.
Buying tips that saved me cash
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Match the hazard. Green laser? Get eyewear rated for that band. CO2 cutter? Use gear that blocks that infrared beam. Labels matter.
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Look for real ratings. Laser goggles should list the blocked bands and how strong a beam they’re rated for. If it’s vague, I pass.
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Fit beats fantasy. If goggles pinch or fog, you won’t wear them. If a Faraday pouch is bulky, you’ll leave it at home.
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Test simply. For pouches, put your phone in and call it from another phone. For paint or fabric, measure before and after with a basic meter. For lasers, never test with a direct beam—use safe demos and trained folks.
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Layer, don’t gamble. One wall of paint plus a curtain plus smart habits beat one “miracle” item.
Before I click “buy,” I also want to know who I’m giving my money to. One quick way to vet a company is to read its backstory—mission statements, team bios, and how long they’ve been around. For instance, the candid background write-up over at FuckLocal’s About Us page lays out who runs the platform and why they emphasize no-nonsense, community-driven reviews, which can help you decide whether to trust their recommendations and product picks.
Another angle is to scout local second-hand channels before you pay full price. If you happen to be in North Carolina, check out the rotating classifieds on Backpage Garner for maker-space cast-offs and lightly used safety gear, which can help you land goggles, Faraday pouches, or even shielding fabric without torching your budget.
What actually helped me
- Laser goggles from NoIR and Thorlabs for shop work: clear win.
- Mission Darkness and Silent Pocket bags: great for keys and phones.
- YSHIELD paint and Swiss Shield fabric: useful for a targeted wall and window.
- Fire-rated reflective gear: makes sense for heat work, not a daily shield.
Final thoughts
There’s no magic bubble. But you can cut risk and stress with the right, real tools and some boring habits. Keep lids shut. Wear the right goggles. Block what you can. Don’t fall for shiny stickers.
If you’re around high-power gear, talk to the safety lead. If high-speed cockpits are more your style, you might enjoy this firsthand comparison of two front-line fighters here. If you’re a home user near busy signals, pick one wall or one window and start there. Small wins add up. And hey—your eyes will thank you. Mine sure did.